Toxic mindsets are beliefs about our lives or ourselves that we develop from unfavourable circumstances, traumas, unresolved childhood issues, and failure. These mindsets grow with us if we don’t address them promptly. They have the power to ruin our lives or hold us back from living the life we want or achieving our goals.

1. You are not good enough.

One of the most common toxic mindsets is the belief that we’re not good enough for something, whether it’s a certain university, job, or relationship. At some point in our lives, we wanted something badly and didn’t get it, or it went to someone else. This experience can make us fear pursuing our desires to avoid feeling that kind of pain again, so we don’t even try. The truth is, we may not be qualified for a job we want, or we may not be the right person for someone we desire, but that doesn’t mean we’re not good enough. It simply means that some things are not meant for us, and we may still have personal growth to achieve before we’re truly ready for certain experiences. The key is not to let this mindset paralyze you. You must feel worthy and deserving of what you want, even if you don’t get it. To change the pattern, you must change your mindset, regardless of the outcome. It’s about what’s happening inside, not what’s happening outside.

2. Everyone leaves me.

Another common toxic mindset is the belief that everyone will eventually leave you. This often develops from childhood abandonment issues or losing someone dear to you at a very young age. You start building walls to protect your heart and eventually re-enact the scenario that the people you love will leave you and you’ll end up alone, causing you to sometimes sabotage your own relationships. This is more evident in romantic relationships where one partner is always in a defensive mindset, operating from a lack of trust and always feeling neglected and abandoned by their partner.

To heal your abandonment issues, you must first get to the root of how it all started and identify which parts of it you are carrying into your relationships. Ask yourself: Are you triggered because your partner did something offensive, or are you triggered because this behaviour reminds you of an old wound that you still need to tend to? Self-awareness and introspection in your relationships are crucial for healing your abandonment issues and eliminating the belief that everyone will eventually leave you or that things will always end badly. Your relationships can end for many reasons, but it makes all the difference when you look back and know that you gave it your all and didn’t let your own limiting beliefs or insecurities define the relationship or determine its outcome.

3. You have to struggle to get what you want.

This is something we were all programmed to believe. Statements like “no pain, no gain” or “life is unfair” keep us stuck in struggle mode. This belief may sound good at first, but its reality is toxic because anything that comes easy to us makes us feel undeserving since we didn’t work hard for it. This mentality stops us from dreaming big, following our hearts, or pursuing our passions because we are conditioned to believe that we must work hard and struggle to earn the life we want. We often feel guilty if we are living a less busy or stressful life than our peers, so we try to fill our time with things that don’t excite us just to feel ‘productive’ at the end of the day. Life is not one size fits all, and if you are happy with your life, even if you don’t work too hard or are not always swamped with things to do, that’s all that matters. How others view your life is not your problem. We need to start believing that good things can be easy and struggle-free, and that our dreams can be achieved without pain or hardship.

4. You can’t quit.

Similar to the previous point, we live in a society that judges quitters negatively. We’re always bombarded with motivational messages like “don’t quit now,” “don’t be a quitter,” and “quitting is for losers,” but sometimes quitting is the best and only option for you. I’m not saying you shouldn’t fight hard for what you want and love, but when you no longer have the energy, motivation, or desire to keep going—when your commitments make it hard to wake up every morning and feel good about your life or yourself—it’s okay to quit. It’s okay to quit the job that makes you miserable. It’s okay to quit the relationship that’s been hurting you. It’s okay to quit living in a city that sucks the life out of you. Depending on your situation, sometimes staying is more toxic than quitting.

5. You have to be the bigger person.

Last but not least, learning to be the bigger person is how most of us were raised, but it can be extremely toxic in some situations and with certain people who cross the line and poison our lives. Being the bigger person doesn’t work with everyone because some people are better off not being in our lives. Cutting ties with friends or partners who constantly disrespect you or bring constant drama and problems into your life is the only healthy thing to do. Being the bigger person in these situations will only invite more toxicity and unfavorable circumstances. It’s important to be empathetic, kind, and forgiving in some cases, but you must draw the line and set boundaries with people who don’t respect them or who only make your life more difficult.